CLEVELAND, Ohio — Contour my eyebrows and call me a sellout. Because this week’s Browns quarterback pitch takes a page out of Hollywood’s playbook.

Namely, we’re selling a sequel here, folks. If you enjoyed Gladiator 2, or Deadpool 3, or Kung Fu Panda 4 — all somehow real releases from 2024 — then you’ll love the low-budget, lower-imagination film I’m scripting for Cleveland in 2025.

From the coach/play caller who brought you Flacco Fever and the last Cleveland quarterback to score 20 points in five straight starts, I bring you the must-watch blockbuster of next football season:

Browns and Brissett 2: The Reunion.

Admittedly, former Browns quarterback Jacoby Brissett lacks the star power usually required to greenlight a reboot. Ryan Reynolds (Deadpool), Denzel Washington (Gladiator), Brissett. See? He doesn’t fit.

Barring an unforeseen boon, however, Cleveland lacks many A- or B-list options under center next season. With the second pick in April’s draft, you can bet on a budding star. But even then, rookies need time to learn lines.

In the meantime, then, let Brissett play the hits. During 11 starts with Cleveland in 2022, he completed 64.1% of his passes for 2,608 yards (7.1 per attempt), 12 touchdowns and six interceptions. The Browns’ offense scored 23.9 points per game and ranked top 10 in expected points added (EPA) per play. And for what it’s worth, Pro Football Focus gave Brissett the sixth-highest grade among quarterbacks that season.

Call it the (pretty) good ol’ days. They say you can’t go back, but Brissett enters this offseason a free agent. Cleveland needs a new starter. Neither party expects to sign/offer a lucrative QB contract this offseason.

Feeling nostalgic yet?

Low bar to clear? Absolutely. The Browns should aim higher than “functional” with their future starting quarterback. Here in the present, though, Brissett offers qualities Cleveland has missed at quarterback since … well, since he left.

Start with his stability, highlighted by two career games missed due to injury. After two Watson seasons lost to surgery, the Browns need a starter who can stay healthy. And before Cleveland pursues aging players like Flacco, Kirk Cousins, Aaron Rodgers or Matthew Stafford, it must consider the injury risks each greybeard carries with him.

Also worth weighing: Institutional knowledge, of which Brissett harbors plenty from his first stint in Cleveland. If the Browns are pivoting back to the Kevin Stefanski System, it makes sense to sign someone who knows it. If that same someone played their best season in this same offense, even better. And if Mr. someone also has experience tutoring young quarterbacks?

Perfect fit.

Humility is the hardest trait to find in veteran quarterbacks. If any good, they’ve been praised their whole lives, told by coaches to trust their talent, had the world spinning on their own axis.

But at some point, every passer reaches his friction point. His body slows down, or his team finds somebody faster. And like the Golden Quarterback Bachelor, he must decide: Will I accept this clipboard?

Most vets say “no,” and they don’t let you down easy. Falcons quarterback Kirk Cousins, who could be on Cleveland’s radar this offseason, spent last offseason spent last offseason pouting through his agent about Atlanta’s decision to draft a quarterback (Michael Penix Jr.) in the first round.

Pending free agent Joe Flacco, a popular fan pick for Cleveland’s next bridge starter, told Colts reporters last season that he didn’t sign with Indy to help second-year starter Anthony Richardson’s mentor. Moreover, Flacco said he struggled with the role when the Baltimore Ravens drafted Lamar Jackson in 2018.

I don’t blame Cousins or Flacco for rejecting their dwindling roles. But I wouldn’t choose either as my rookie quarterback’s tutor.

Meanwhile, Brissett embraced two backup roles over the last two seasons, during he shared a quarterback room with Patriots rookie Drake Maye (2024) and Commanders youngster Sam Howell (2023). Brissett started just five games in the two seasons after the best of his career. But he never raised a fuss.

On the list of tools required to help the next Browns rookie passer, peace and quiet belong near the top.

After all, like many great sequels, we’re making this one to set up another. Brissett to Watson flopped at the football box office. But the former Browns, Patriots, Commanders, Dolphins, and Colts quarterback showed enough as a bridge passer (and quarterback bachelor) to reprise the role. Casting him again won’t sell any season tickets.

But it might help the Browns thread a rare quarterback needle: Improve your passing attack now, prepare your rookie prospect for the future.

Grab your popcorn.