CLEVELAND, Ohio — The next Browns quarterback wears a Kohl’s cash chain and learned to swag surf 15 years too late. His last team benched him 14 games into a $100 million contract, and he boasts one playoff win during his 13-year NFL career.
Are Cleveland fans cringing yet?
Then they’re ready to root for Kirk Cousins, the NFL’s resident embarrassing dad, now looking for a third team in as many seasons. The former Washington, Minnesota and Atlanta starting quarterback could be an option for the Browns this offseason. And while the journeyman passer lacks panache or long-term promise, I still believe him capable of convincing a fanbase why — I’m sorry — they like that.
This is the first of several cleveland.com quarterback sales pitches between now and NFL free agency on March 13. Columnist Jimmy Watkins will argue in favor of a different veteran QB option each week. Like Browns coach Kevin Stefanski’ says about play-calling, Watkins reserves the right to change his mind.
I won’t cherry pick statistics from Cousins’ career-best season in 2019 because, frankly, I don’t live in the past. Yes, Cousins paired well with Vikings offensive coordinator (now Browns coach) Kevin Stefanski back then. But five years and one torn Achilles later, the Browns are (or should be) more concerned with how Cousins has performed lately.
Answer? Depends on the calendar. Cousins completed 69% of his passes for 2,328 yards (7.9 per attempt), 17 touchdowns and seven interceptions during his first nine starts of 2024 (You might remember his 500-yard performance during a Week 5 win over Baker Mayfield’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Thursday Night Football).
He also ranked 10th in completion percentage over expected, 12th in EPA (expected points added) per drop back, and if we stopped here, Cousins would still be the Falcons’ quarterback.
But Cousins failed to throw a touchdown over his next four starts. From weeks 10-15, he completed 62.9% of his passes for 1,180 yards (7.5 for attempt), one touchdown and nine interceptions. He ranked 30th in EPA per play and 29th in CPOE.
And this is where Browns fans, like Falcons coaches, want to get off the train.
Atlanta benched Cousins after his midseason slump, which he said resulted from bad decisions instead of a bad Achilles. I’ve seen better defenses from former Browns defensive coordinator Gregg Williams against a Hail Mary. But you’ve seen worse scrapheap passers than Cousins, who this season became the fourth player in NFL history to tally at least 3,500 passing yards for three different teams (the others: Carson Palmer, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Vinny Testaverde).
Call it a weird stat for a weird batch of quarterbacks, who, like Cousins, possessed quirks equal parts chafing and charming. But what are the 2025 Browns if not a strange franchise that finds itself in an unusual position?
Cleveland needs a quarterback despite Deshaun Watson counting about $73 million against its cap next season. It has playoff aspirations despite finishing this season 3-14. And it holds the second overall pick in a draft class that features precisely two top quarterback prospects. They don’t get to choose their favorite, but consensus suggests they must draft one anyway.
Fine. But which path would you prefer? Path 1, where the franchise mortgages its future on the Day 1 readiness of a rookie? Or Path 2, where Cleveland acquires a cheap veteran who can keep you competitive for, let’s say, half the season. The Falcons chose path 2, with a twist: They paid Cousins nine figures. Now their regret runs so deep that they’re willing to trade him for pennies this offseason.
I bet they’d pay a chunk of his salary for the pleasure. They could even cut Cousins if no trade partner materializes. And in either of those cases, the Browns should call him.
Corny or cool, Cousins represents a rare quarterback breed in today’s market. Cheap? Check. Experienced? Check. Productive? Only for nine weeks, but that’s plenty of time for Cam Ward or Shedeur Sanders to study from the sideline. Now add the Stefanski connection and Cousins’ desire to prove he can still play. Still cringing?
Fair enough. But you don’t have to admire Cousins’ swag to see his value. You don’t have like “that,” whatever it is, very much at his price tag. And the Browns don’t need their bridge quarterback to be cool, or win a playoff game, or even hold the starting job very long.
They just need him to keep Cleveland’s offense afloat until his understudy is ready to play. Just like Cousins did last season.
